Second Hand Socks: 8 Myths Debunked

MYTH #1

Santa Claus delivers presents to every child in the world in a single night.

FALSE! Santa Claus is a lazy slob who does NOT deliver presents to children all over the world. In fact, he only leaves his house one month out of the year, and even then all he does is be a chair for a bunch of bratty children at malls and department stores.

And we can safely assume that the sub-myth, the Santa Claus is fat because he's jolly, is also FALSE. He is fat because he sits on his ass all day eating chips and cookies.

How do I know this?

Santa has the same handwriting as my mother. Coincidence? NO! And come Christmas Eve, not once did I hear the pitter patter of reindeer hooves on the roof. All I heard was the sound of my parents talking and the crinkle of wrapping paper. And where was Santa? Sitting at home, watching his programs!

I'm now 24 and my mom still writes "From Santa" on my gifts. I have revealed that I know the truth about Santa and she has agreed to stop giving him credit for Christmas.

MYTH #2

The Easter Bunny hides eggs in your backyard for you and your sister to find.

FALSE! The Easter Bunny is a master hypnotist that enslaves parents and compels them to hide eggs in bushes, window sills and tree branches.

How do I know this? I tried to catch the so-called "Bunny" in the act, but saw my parents hiding eggs instead. When I confronted them, the claimed they had no idea what they had done, so of course I knew they had been HYPNOTIZED by that notorious Bunny.

To this day, the Bunny is still on the loose, hypnotizing parents left and right.

MYTH #3

If you find a leprechaun, he will give you wishes!

FALSE! Leprechauns are no joke. They'll f-ing kill you!

How do I know this? I have seen many documentaries on leprechauns, including "Leprechaun", parts 1, 2 and 3, part 4 (which chronicles the effect of leprechaun in space), part 5 and 6 (which documents the effect of leprechauns in "da hood").

MYTH #4

The Loma Prieta earthquake was caused by plate tectonics.

FALSE! The Loma Prieta earthquake was caused by DINOSAURS!

How do I know this? I was there. I heard a dinosaur step down in my backyard and make our power go out. I took a college course on earthquakes, hoping to learn more about these elusive earthquake-causing dinos, but it seems history and seismologists still have it wrong.

MYTH #5

If a bee is bothering you, stand still as a tree and it will leave you be!

FALSE! Always run, fool. You stand still and you invite that bee to make a new home out of your nose.

How do I know this? A bee was bothering me and I stood still as a tree, but it did not go away. Instead, it crawled up my nose and stung me. No joke. Took forever to get the stinger out.