8 Myths Debunked

MYTH #1

Santa Claus delivers presents to every child in the world in a single night.

FALSE! Santa Claus is a lazy slob who does NOT deliver presents to children all over the world. In fact, he only leaves his house one month out of the year, and even then all he does is be a chair for a bunch of bratty children at malls and department stores. 

And we can safely assume that the sub-myth, the Santa Claus is fat because he's jolly, is also FALSE. He is fat because he sits on his ass all day eating chips and cookies.

How do I know this? 

Santa has the same handwriting as my mother. Coincidence? NO! And come Christmas Eve, not once did I hear the pitter patter of reindeer hooves on the roof. All I heard was the sound of my parents talking and the crinkle of wrapping paper. And where was Santa? Sitting at home, watching his programs!

I'm now 24 and my mom still writes "From Santa" on my gifts. I have revealed that I know the truth about Santa and she has agreed to stop giving him credit for Christmas.

MYTH #2

The Easter Bunny hides eggs in your backyard for you and your sister to find.

FALSE! The Easter Bunny is a master hypnotist that enslaves parents and compels them to hide eggs in bushes, window sills and tree branches. 

How do I know this? I tried to catch the so-called "Bunny" in the act, but saw my parents hiding eggs instead. When I confronted them, the claimed they had no idea what they had done, so of course I knew they had been HYPNOTIZED by that notorious Bunny.

To this day, the Bunny is still on the loose, hypnotizing parents left and right. 

MYTH #3

If you find a leprechaun, he will give you wishes!

FALSE! Leprechauns are no joke. They'll f-ing kill you!

How do I know this? I have seen many documentaries on leprechauns, including "Leprechaun", parts 1, 2 and 3, part 4 (which chronicles the effect of leprechaun in space), part 5 and 6 (which documents the effect of leprechauns in "da hood"). 

MYTH #4

The Loma Prieta earthquake was caused by plate tectonics.

FALSE! The Loma Prieta earthquake was caused by DINOSAURS!

How do I know this? I was there. I heard a dinosaur step down in my backyard and make our power go out. I took a college course on earthquakes, hoping to learn more about these elusive earthquake-causing dinos, but it seems history and seismologists still have it wrong.

MYTH #5

If a bee is bothering you, stand still as a tree and it will leave you be!

FALSE! Always run, fool. You stand still and you invite that bee to make a new home out of your nose.

How do I know this? A bee was bothering me and I stood still as a tree, but it did not go away. Instead, it crawled up my nose and stung me. No joke. Took forever to get the stinger out.

MYTH #6

Aliens come from outer space!

FALSE! Aliens come from other countries.

How do I know this? My grandparents were aliens from Canada.

MYTH #7

Babies come from storks.

FALSE! Babies are found under rocks!

How do I know this? My parents found my sister under a rock.

MYTH #8

You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.

FALSE! You can't!

How do I know this? The unicorns still have not accepted me as one of their own.

Myers Briggs Test

In a few weeks I'm going to be out of a job. I thought this might be a good opportunity to find a career based on my personality. I took the Myers Briggs test to find the job destined for me. According the Myers Briggs, I'd find my dream job in education, administration, or medicine.


Myers Briggs is an idiot.


TEACHER:

ADMIN:

PARAMEDIC:

My future looks bright.

Update: I actually did become a teacher and it is very much like the above depiction. 

Resumes

Today, I thought I'd work on my resume

OR...

Hmm, marathon it is!

Badminton

My sister and I had a badminton set when we were little. If you don't know what badminton is, just picture the mutated offspring of volleyball, tennis and frills and you have badminton.

My sister loved to play badminton because she always won. I hated playing because I always lost. Since I was the only other child in the house most of the time, and also because she could easily beat me up, I was designated her badminton opponent. Most of the time, being a loser wasn't that bad. In fact, it prepared me for much of my adult life.

Badminton wasn't that terrible though. It was much better than our usual games of Push You Down the Stairs Until You Cry and Push You Into The Creepy Crawl Space Beneath The Stairs. 

Every summer, the badminton net would mysteriously sprout up in our yard like some unwelcome weed. And then the games began. There was no chance of escape.

Sometimes I would struggle, but then I faced more violent games and broken toys.

One day I thought up a brilliant scheme that would get me out of badminton.

My plan was simple. I would serve the birdie, and while she was distracted, I would run back into the house and lock the door. By the time she would realize I was gone, I'd be watching her from the window, protected from her fury. Nothing could possibly go wrong. Or so I thought.

Everything was going smoothly. She didn't suspect a thing.

Meanwhile, my sister realized what I'd done faster than I thought she would...

You see, I had broken the rules. I was the younger sister, and so was not allowed to outsmart those older than me. She believed I was put on Earth to serve her. For all I knew, this was true. In fact, I have it on good authority that my parents only had me so my sister would have someone to play with, like a toy.

Anyway, I had disrupted the natural order and I would pay with my life. I can only imagine what she was thinking: "Who does this worm think she is? Trying to escape playing with me? ME?! I will make an example of her so that all little sisters everywhere will know the consequence of trying to get out of playing with their big sisters. I WILL DESTROY HER!!!"

I was sure she would kill me if she caught me. I'd never tried to trick her this bad before, and she would make sure I would never have another chance. This was it. She was really going to kill me, and she'd have plenty of time to make it look like an accident...

The door glowed before me. I was almost there. There was still hope. I had to slip in and lock the door. I practiced the movement in my head. Slip in. Lock. Slip in. Lock. She'd be outside. I'd be safely inside, alive. I'd run to my parents as there was a good chance they wouldn't allow her to kill me.

I opened the door. I'm pretty sure I heard angels singing. I was in...

She'd caught up to me. I think I blacked out for a moment because when I woke up my sister's face hung over me, looking worried. I began to cry, not because it hurt, but because I had been so scared that she was going to kill me and realized then that she was really very capable of seriously injuring me. I hoped my mom would hear my cries and save me.

Crying meant someone got hurt. When someone got hurt, it was likely that my sister would get into trouble. My sister couldn't afford to get in trouble. She had just gotten paroled from the last time we played Push You Out Of The Treehouse, and she wasn't going back. This piddling little sister would not get her in trouble.

Mom discovered us, and asked us what we were doing. My sister said we were still playing. I agreed. My sister and I shared a room, and as she had already used a door as a weapon, I was fairly certain she knew how to use a pillow. I valued my small life too much to ever dare to trick her again.

That was how I failed to get out of playing badminton that summer. 

And also why I'm a little dyslectic.

Disclaimer: My sister claims that this was not entirely how things went. This may be true. Ever since she slammed my head in a door, I haven't been able to remember a lot of things.